A letter to you

Assalamualaikum.

Hope you're doing great right where you are now. It has been a rough couple of months now since we've last spoken. I hope you don't skip meals anymore and pretty much getting along well in your new phase of life.

We didn't get to see each other for the last time last summer. But given our condition back then, it wasn't a good idea. Neither of us has fully healed. At least not me. But alhamdulillah for whatever that has happened. It's sad but things happen and Allah knows best.

I just wanted to say I am sorry for being a very lacking friend. For being too ignorant of your feelings. I know how fragile your heart (And mine) is yet I still did what I do.

Where did this go so wrong?

It was a mere misunderstanding. I know it's so hard to read this but I really didn't mean that. It was the circumstance that made it looked like what it really isn't. I have no intention of making excuses for myself but I think you and I deserve to know this truth.

I know it isn't fair for you to keep being my friend just because I love you, needed you and want you to remain in my memories. It can't be all about me. I admit I have nothing that I have given or can give to you. Nothing very special. Unlike you. You gave me a perfect companionship, warm smiles and comforting words. You are very special to me. Maybe that is why I still cry.

The first few months were very hard. I thought I can forget you, this, and everything that has happened between us by seeding anger and blocking my sadness and thinking of every reason why I should (need to) hate you. Hopefully, I can feel less pain. Less disoriented.

But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I never heal. I never think less of you. In fact, you're still coming back again and again and again in my dream until now. Sometimes I dreamt of you and I. We were good friends again. It felt so good and so real and I was so sure it was happening. Then I opened my eyes. Nothing has changed. You're still the missed new stranger.

All sorts of questions began to emerge. Maybe I just don't deserve to have a really good companion. Maybe I'm too bad for someone too good. Can I trust someone my heart? Can I make sure my heart won't be broken again? Should I stop caring and sharing my love to anyone? 

Then I tried to accept that some things happen just because it needed to happen. And just because my heart was in a lot of pain, it doesn't have to say that way and I guess. Knowing you, I know you're concerned about me. Rest assured I am doing my very best right now. I stop shutting people off. I accept old and new friends. Again. I am not bitter anymore.

I learn to forgive myself. I know I am not to be blamed entirely. But I acknowledge my mistake which has led to this situation.

The hardest part of all is trying to recollect each memory in Sheffield without feeling remorse that the good 2 years when we were best friends has ended. Trying to look at my photos without my thumb covering your face. And trying not to deny you were there all the time.

Lastly, I hope you can forgive me. I pray you'll meet a better person than me you honestly deserve the best for who you are.

They say broken romantic relationship gets all the love and flowers and comfort from those around you. And broken friendship often goes unnoticed, trivial, felt a lot less important. I don't know if that's true, because I didn't tell anyone what has happened, but a little google search for surviving broken friendship confirms this theory.   

>> I have read that I should write a letter to her although not necessarily post/send it to her. I agree that it feels good doing this. But I'm not sure if it's helping or not.