Sunday, 29 April 2018

pained, but contented

I cried because I feel it so deep down. Some people cannot understand it. Eventhough I cried, I felt the pain. It's beautiful. It's precious. I never ever wanna lose it. Loving someone is a special gift. I don't have to be with them in order for the love to be fulfilled. I just want them to be happy, even though I will not be a part of it. There is some kinds of magical feelings when you know your love is pure. When you know that loving doesn't mean they have to be yours. Embrace it. Respect it. And be proud of it. Just be proud of yourself because you could love them deep. Not everyone is capable of doing that.

I just need to say this..

And today, again, after so many months
I was reminded of you
No, I was reminded of my feelings for you.

I never ever want to remember how you smile, and talk
or how you sat quietly in the corner of that room

Ahh.. That beautiful heart of yours
And now that I remembered how deep was my feelings for you,
I broke into tears
But, somehow it build my soul.

It was bizarre that we can actually push the thoughts of someone,
somewhere, in the most secluded corner of your mind.

You never actually forget.
It was just buried under the surface.

But, I have never regretted it
Not once
And today, I was reminded of what a person I am.

I love hard
I care deep
And I stay true to myself

It's okay. I am okay. It was just never mean to be.
I have been so strong for the past year
But today somehow, I decided to break down
And cry

I hope you will be blessed with a beautiful life

I will adore you from the distance
once or twice again
in a lifetime

Monday, 23 April 2018

Nasheed - Ya Ilahi

في ليلة من الليالي

في ليلة من الليالي .. لست أدري ما اعتراني
ظلمةٌ تغمرني يا رب
الأرض ضاقت والسماء .. وقلبي ما عرف الضياء
والدمع بات يبكي يا إلهي
عصيت والذنب كبير .. وإني في حزني أسير
مقيد بالذنب يا رب
فهل يستحق يا .. إلهي العفو مجرماً
مقرٌّ بالذنوب يا إلهي
أنت الذي خلقتني ... رحمتني ورزقتني
دوماً يا رب قد كنت معي
لكنني نأيت عنك .. نسيت ما قد كان لك
وسرت في طريقي يا إلهي
واليوم يا رب أعود .. من ظلمة خلف الحدود
فالقلب منكسر وطرفي حائر
وأنا الغريق فلا أرى .. إلا سواك لي منقذاً
لا منجى ولا منجى إلا أنت
يا إلهي

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Another day when all the memories comes flashing back again

Dear ex best friend,

Why do I love you too deep?

Why do I care so much about you even until now?

Why can't I just forget you?


why can't we be like how we used to be...

Because we were both scarred and scared. We left each other. We decided one day we are going to be only in the memories of each other. In the past. Not in the present nor the future. We decided that.

I still cry when thinking about you.

And you sometimes still coming back in my dream.

I wish the day I met you was the day I walked far far away from you. I wish I never get to be close to you and hurt you and felt hurt by the thing you did which weren't meant to hurt me. I wonder why our story was written this way. Why it is possible to end a friendship?

I have suffered from heartache. I didnt blame you. It was all written.

This is one of the most painful thing that has happened in my life. I freaking hurt so bad and I hated it. I know I am going to come out stronger. I know I will.

But I am not sure if I really wanted this feeling to go away. It is the only thing that reminds me I can love someone so deeply, care for someone so much and it reminds me I still have that little bit of humanity left in my gut. I only hated the pain its causing me.

I guess I just have to deal with it.

Dear aching heart, you will heal.

Inn sha Allah

Thursday, 26 October 2017

Not everyone will like this movie

Related image

Demolition was released on 2015. It is a story about Davis's (Jake Gyllenhaal) post-traumatic stress disorder. Davis was portrayed as a typical rich bloke. He is working in "finance", and got married to a girl whose daddy got plenty of cash although that wasn't the reason he married her. He barely noticed anything and took everything for granted especially his wife's love. I don't think he didn't love her. I think he just didn't care enough before she died. Before everything was too late.

I have no expectation whatsoever on this movie. When I watched it for the first time it didn't occur to me that it is so emotionally powerful. I first thought it is a comedy-drama because that was what was written somewhere on the internet and I was looking for a feel-good movie. An uplifting one. I am not sure if this movie is uplifting but it did make me feel good, in a strange way. 

At first I was a little confused about what Davis was doing. He was trying to act like everything was normal and nothing had happened. He came to the office, I assume, the next day his wife died. Then it occurred to me he was actually completely blocking his emotion out. 

He did not trust himself to feel such pain. He was not willing to let himself cry, or even talk about his feeling and what had happened. He was empty. His soul was not in his body. His mind wandered everywhere trying to grasp every inch of the universe. 

His mind was clearly was not in working order at all. He became friends with a stranger, Karen, who smoke cannabis and her son, Chris. He confided in Karen about everything and trusted her to sort of navigate his life because he seemed like he really didn't know where he should be going or where he wanted to go. He is simply a lost adult overwhelmed by the world. He also told Karen he didn't love Julia.

Davis then wanted to "know what is inside" everything. He tried to fix the refrigerator that his wife told him to fix prior to her death. He eventually demolished the refrigerator and subsequently many other things including his office's bathroom door (because they were creaking), his computer, a cappuccino machine and he even tear his house down with a bulldozer he got from eBay. Interestingly, Gyllenhaal was able to make Davis appear as not an angry man. Yes, he sure destroyed a couple of hundred thousands worth of stuff, but he wasn't turning into the Hulk. He felt tremendous pain in his heart that destroying something, anything, made him feel good. As if he wanted to crush his inside.

I feel the whole reason why he did what he did, was that he was trying to "know what is inside" himself. He probably felt he wanted to know what he was actually feeling. He is scouring through his inside but he just couldn't be honest with himself. He was in so much pain and because he is not used to communicating his feeling, he is having a hard time to express his emotion. His heart was hurt so bad that I think even the thought of his wife will make the cut go deeper. His take on that was to just, block it all out, in the hope that his pain will eventually go. Except it didn't. 

Davis once stepped on a three-inched nail and after screaming to death out of pain from his foot, he was cheering the injury shortly after. He finally felt "physical" pain. I think what happened was that his physical pain was greater than what he was feeling inside him and for that split second he actually felt what was going inside him couldn't be the worse thing to happen.

The last scene of Davis meeting his father in law, Phil, just broke my heart. He finally came to term with his feeling and allow himself to feel his inside. He said to Phil he love Julia and I personally think it was after going through those bizarre experiences of feelings and emotions that he couldn't name them, that he finally understands he had loved Julia so much. His eyebrow drooped and you can see pools of tears in his eyes when he finally came to his senses. I find it interesting that this story just let Davis walk through his feeling and let him reconcile without any "second hit" on him. Just the perfect way to tell someone somewhere curled up on his bed mourning for his/her life that "time will heal". 

Jake Gyllenhaal's performance was outstanding. He truly immersed himself in the life of Davis. I couldn't think of anyone who could perform it better than him. And can we take a moment to appreciate how good his facial expression and body gesture was? That deserves a standing ovation.

Lastly, I know this film would not be everyone's favourite. I can think of many reasons why like how "quiet" the movie was, how slow and "boring" it could get. But, for me, everything was spot on. One of my best watch this year, but I'm warning you, it might not be yours :)

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

A letter to you


Hope you're doing great right where you are now. It has been a rough couple of months now since we've last spoken. I hope you don't skip meals anymore and pretty much getting along well in your new phase of life.

We didn't get to see each other for the last time last summer. But given our condition back then, it wasn't a good idea. Neither of us has fully healed. At least not me. But alhamdulillah for whatever that has happened. It's sad but things happen and Allah knows best.

I just wanted to say I am sorry for being a very lacking friend. For being too ignorant of your feelings. I know how fragile your heart (And mine) is yet I still did what I do.

Where did this go so wrong?

It was a mere misunderstanding. I know it's so hard to read this but I really didn't mean that. It was the circumstance that made it looked like what it really isn't. I have no intention of making excuses for myself but I think you and I deserve to know this truth.

I know it isn't fair for you to keep being my friend just because I love you, needed you and want you to remain in my memories. It can't be all about me. I admit I have nothing that I have given or can give to you. Nothing very special. Unlike you. You gave me a perfect companionship, warm smiles and comforting words. You are very special to me. Maybe that is why I still cry.

The first few months were very hard. I thought I can forget you, this, and everything that has happened between us by seeding anger and blocking my sadness and thinking of every reason why I should (need to) hate you. Hopefully, I can feel less pain. Less disoriented.

But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I never heal. I never think less of you. In fact, you're still coming back again and again and again in my dream until now. Sometimes I dreamt of you and I. We were good friends again. It felt so good and so real and I was so sure it was happening. Then I opened my eyes. Nothing has changed. You're still the missed new stranger.

All sorts of questions began to emerge. Maybe I just don't deserve to have a really good companion. Maybe I'm too bad for someone too good. Can I trust someone my heart? Can I make sure my heart won't be broken again? Should I stop caring and sharing my love to anyone? 

Then I tried to accept that some things happen just because it needed to happen. And just because my heart was in a lot of pain, it doesn't have to say that way and I guess. Knowing you, I know you're concerned about me. Rest assured I am doing my very best right now. I stop shutting people off. I accept old and new friends. Again. I am not bitter anymore.

I learn to forgive myself. I know I am not to be blamed entirely. But I acknowledge my mistake which has led to this situation.

The hardest part of all is trying to recollect each memory in Sheffield without feeling remorse that the good 2 years when we were best friends has ended. Trying to look at my photos without my thumb covering your face. And trying not to deny you were there all the time.

Lastly, I hope you can forgive me. I pray you'll meet a better person than me you honestly deserve the best for who you are.

They say broken romantic relationship gets all the love and flowers and comfort from those around you. And broken friendship often goes unnoticed, trivial, felt a lot less important. I don't know if that's true, because I didn't tell anyone what has happened, but a little google search for surviving broken friendship confirms this theory.   

>> I have read that I should write a letter to her although not necessarily post/send it to her. I agree that it feels good doing this. But I'm not sure if it's helping or not.