Monday, 12 February 2018


I do. I still do

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Another day when all the memories comes flashing back again

Dear ex best friend,

Why do I love you too deep?

Why do I care so much about you even until now?

Why can't I just forget you?


why can't we be like how we used to be...

Because we were both scarred and scared. We left each other. We decided one day we are going to be only in the memories of each other. In the past. Not in the present nor the future. We decided that.

I still cry when thinking about you.

And you sometimes still coming back in my dream.

I wish the day I met you was the day I walked far far away from you. I wish I never get to be close to you and hurt you and felt hurt by the thing you did which weren't meant to hurt me. I wonder why our story was written this way. Why it is possible to end a friendship?

I have suffered from heartache. I didnt blame you. It was all written.

This is one of the most painful thing that has happened in my life. I freaking hurt so bad and I hated it. I know I am going to come out stronger. I know I will.

But I am not sure if I really wanted this feeling to go away. It is the only thing that reminds me I can love someone so deeply, care for someone so much and it reminds me I still have that little bit of humanity left in my gut. I only hated the pain its causing me.

I guess I just have to deal with it.

Dear aching heart, you will heal.

Inn sha Allah

Thursday, 26 October 2017

Not everyone will like this movie

Related image

Demolition was released on 2015. It is a story about Davis's (Jake Gyllenhaal) post-traumatic stress disorder. Davis was portrayed as a typical rich bloke. He is working in "finance", and got married to a girl whose daddy got plenty of cash although that wasn't the reason he married her. He barely noticed anything and took everything for granted especially his wife's love. I don't think he didn't love her. I think he just didn't care enough before she died. Before everything was too late.

I have no expectation whatsoever on this movie. When I watched it for the first time it didn't occur to me that it is so emotionally powerful. I first thought it is a comedy-drama because that was what was written somewhere on the internet and I was looking for a feel-good movie. An uplifting one. I am not sure if this movie is uplifting but it did make me feel good, in a strange way. 

At first I was a little confused about what Davis was doing. He was trying to act like everything was normal and nothing had happened. He came to the office, I assume, the next day his wife died. Then it occurred to me he was actually completely blocking his emotion out. 

He did not trust himself to feel such pain. He was not willing to let himself cry, or even talk about his feeling and what had happened. He was empty. His soul was not in his body. His mind wandered everywhere trying to grasp every inch of the universe. 

His mind was clearly was not in working order at all. He became friends with a stranger, Karen, who smoke cannabis and her son, Chris. He confided in Karen about everything and trusted her to sort of navigate his life because he seemed like he really didn't know where he should be going or where he wanted to go. He is simply a lost adult overwhelmed by the world. He also told Karen he didn't love Julia.

Davis then wanted to "know what is inside" everything. He tried to fix the refrigerator that his wife told him to fix prior to her death. He eventually demolished the refrigerator and subsequently many other things including his office's bathroom door (because they were creaking), his computer, a cappuccino machine and he even tear his house down with a bulldozer he got from eBay. Interestingly, Gyllenhaal was able to make Davis appear as not an angry man. Yes, he sure destroyed a couple of hundred thousands worth of stuff, but he wasn't turning into the Hulk. He felt tremendous pain in his heart that destroying something, anything, made him feel good. As if he wanted to crush his inside.

I feel the whole reason why he did what he did, was that he was trying to "know what is inside" himself. He probably felt he wanted to know what he was actually feeling. He is scouring through his inside but he just couldn't be honest with himself. He was in so much pain and because he is not used to communicating his feeling, he is having a hard time to express his emotion. His heart was hurt so bad that I think even the thought of his wife will make the cut go deeper. His take on that was to just, block it all out, in the hope that his pain will eventually go. Except it didn't. 

Davis once stepped on a three-inched nail and after screaming to death out of pain from his foot, he was cheering the injury shortly after. He finally felt "physical" pain. I think what happened was that his physical pain was greater than what he was feeling inside him and for that split second he actually felt what was going inside him couldn't be the worse thing to happen.

The last scene of Davis meeting his father in law, Phil, just broke my heart. He finally came to term with his feeling and allow himself to feel his inside. He said to Phil he love Julia and I personally think it was after going through those bizarre experiences of feelings and emotions that he couldn't name them, that he finally understands he had loved Julia so much. His eyebrow drooped and you can see pools of tears in his eyes when he finally came to his senses. I find it interesting that this story just let Davis walk through his feeling and let him reconcile without any "second hit" on him. Just the perfect way to tell someone somewhere curled up on his bed mourning for his/her life that "time will heal". 

Jake Gyllenhaal's performance was outstanding. He truly immersed himself in the life of Davis. I couldn't think of anyone who could perform it better than him. And can we take a moment to appreciate how good his facial expression and body gesture was? That deserves a standing ovation.

Lastly, I know this film would not be everyone's favourite. I can think of many reasons why like how "quiet" the movie was, how slow and "boring" it could get. But, for me, everything was spot on. One of my best watch this year, but I'm warning you, it might not be yours :)

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

A letter to you


Hope you're doing great right where you are now. It has been a rough couple of months now since we've last spoken. I hope you don't skip meals anymore and pretty much getting along well in your new phase of life.

We didn't get to see each other for the last time last summer. But given our condition back then, it wasn't a good idea. Neither of us has fully healed. At least not me. But alhamdulillah for whatever that has happened. It's sad but things happen and Allah knows best.

I just wanted to say I am sorry for being a very lacking friend. For being too ignorant of your feelings. I know how fragile your heart (And mine) is yet I still did what I do.

Where did this go so wrong?

It was a mere misunderstanding. I know it's so hard to read this but I really didn't mean that. It was the circumstance that made it looked like what it really isn't. I have no intention of making excuses for myself but I think you and I deserve to know this truth.

I know it isn't fair for you to keep being my friend just because I love you, needed you and want you to remain in my memories. It can't be all about me. I admit I have nothing that I have given or can give to you. Nothing very special. Unlike you. You gave me a perfect companionship, warm smiles and comforting words. You are very special to me. Maybe that is why I still cry.

The first few months were very hard. I thought I can forget you, this, and everything that has happened between us by seeding anger and blocking my sadness and thinking of every reason why I should (need to) hate you. Hopefully, I can feel less pain. Less disoriented.

But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I never heal. I never think less of you. In fact, you're still coming back again and again and again in my dream until now. Sometimes I dreamt of you and I. We were good friends again. It felt so good and so real and I was so sure it was happening. Then I opened my eyes. Nothing has changed. You're still the missed new stranger.

All sorts of questions began to emerge. Maybe I just don't deserve to have a really good companion. Maybe I'm too bad for someone too good. Can I trust someone my heart? Can I make sure my heart won't be broken again? Should I stop caring and sharing my love to anyone? 

Then I tried to accept that some things happen just because it needed to happen. And just because my heart was in a lot of pain, it doesn't have to say that way and I guess. Knowing you, I know you're concerned about me. Rest assured I am doing my very best right now. I stop shutting people off. I accept old and new friends. Again. I am not bitter anymore.

I learn to forgive myself. I know I am not to be blamed entirely. But I acknowledge my mistake which has led to this situation.

The hardest part of all is trying to recollect each memory in Sheffield without feeling remorse that the good 2 years when we were best friends has ended. Trying to look at my photos without my thumb covering your face. And trying not to deny you were there all the time.

Lastly, I hope you can forgive me. I pray you'll meet a better person than me you honestly deserve the best for who you are.

They say broken romantic relationship gets all the love and flowers and comfort from those around you. And broken friendship often goes unnoticed, trivial, felt a lot less important. I don't know if that's true, because I didn't tell anyone what has happened, but a little google search for surviving broken friendship confirms this theory.   

>> I have read that I should write a letter to her although not necessarily post/send it to her. I agree that it feels good doing this. But I'm not sure if it's helping or not. 

You're too good at goodbyes

Everytime... Every single time I listen to this song I can only relate ever so much. I still cry. 

It doesn't feel good. But I still play this song again and again and imagining at the back of my mind you are singing this song to me. 

It's our perfect friendship break up song. Isn't it? 

I still love you and wish we could be like how we used to be.

I guess this friendship never make it to Jannah 

You must think that I’m stupid You must think that I’m a fool You must think that I’m new to this But I have seen this all before I’m never going to let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up it hurts So I’m never going to get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) No way that you’ll see me cry (No way that you’ll see me cry) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) I know you’re thinking I’m heartless I know you’re thinking I’m cold I’m just protecting my innocence I’m just protecting my soul I’m never going to let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me ‘Cause every time I open up it hurts So I’m never going to get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) No way that you’ll see me cry (No way that you’ll see me cry) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) No... (I’m way too good at goodbyes) (I’m way too good at goodbyes) (No way that you’ll see me cry) Oh... (I’m way too good at goodbyes) ‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true I’m way too good at goodbyes

Saturday, 30 September 2017

I got my Final Year Project title and it is so cool!

FYP title : The host inflammatory reaction to the cochlear stem cell transplant

Sounds sick right? I knowwwwwwwwwwww.....

To be honest I was not quite thrilled the first time I read the title. I actually not so fond of ears and hearing although Proffesor Howley is a great lecturer who teach us that subject. I don't know probably because there are some elements of physics when you learn about ear and hearing. Well actually physics has a lot to do in cells and stuffs but just that when we learn about the ear, the physics side of it is much emphasized. Geddit?

I have started reading some research journals and articles and I find it not too bad at all. And the more I read about it the more I fell in love with ear and hearing. 

Last night I was studying the anatomy and physiology of the ear and subhanallah it was mind-blowing! The whole explanation of the mechanism of hearing seems so simple. The pinna collects sound waves and the sound waves then travel through the ear canal and eventually hit the eardrum (tympanic membrane). 

Sounds so simple right?


I am yet to fathom how our amazing anatomy of the ear and it's mechanism of hearing could give us the ability to distinguish millions of different type of sounds. And how we can "ignore" background noises when we talk to someone or focusing on a different audio like when you are listening to a podcast. 

The creaking wooden floor as I'm walking on it, the whistling of the wind, the steaming broth in a saucepan, the plucking of guitars and violins and the gushing of tap water down the sink. 

It is a wonderful world of tunes.

And to think that we are able to recognise those different sounds by mean of our small ear is just so amazing. And I thought, how can this happen "instantaneously" or just by chance?

It is a grand design. A meticulous one. Perfect for it's function. How can we ever devised something like thus without prior inspiration from existing creation?

It is a very  humbling thought and I hope this project will go well and possibly remind me to always be humble.

Till the next rant,


Thursday, 28 September 2017

Friendship hurts too

I still remember Mom said don't be too close to someone. To anyone.

There was a friend of mine. A friend so close I wouldn't trade her for anyone else. We've shared a lot of things even though we were so different. We are so different. 

She is very graceful and gentle. I could never be like that.

When we've said our goodbyes it ripped my soul apart. 

I could barely stand a thought of you without bursting into tears. Or anger. 

Sometimes I questioned how did this go so wrong. I will never know. I still love her. I know I still do. 

Dear friend if only you know how you slipped into my dream every so often. Sharing the warmth of summer and the comfort of laughter. 

It is bizarre that my tears still run hot down my face as I am writing this though it has been a couple of months now. 

I have cried too much and little did I know a friendship can be the source of my agony. 

It was long gone the time when I would touch someone's soul to share our pain and joy. For I fear this broken heart won't survive another storm.