Tuesday, 10 October 2017

A letter to you

Assalamualaikum.

Hope you're doing great right where you are now. It has been a rough couple of months now since we've last spoken. I hope you don't skip meals anymore and pretty much getting along well in your new phase of life.

We didn't get to see each other for the last time last summer. But given our condition back then, it wasn't a good idea. Neither of us has fully healed. At least not me. But alhamdulillah for whatever that has happened. It's sad but things happen and Allah knows best.

I just wanted to say I am sorry for being a very lacking friend. For being too ignorant of your feelings. I know how fragile your heart (And mine) is yet I still did what I do.

Where did this go so wrong?

It was a mere misunderstanding. I know it's so hard to read this but I really didn't mean that. It was the circumstance that made it looked like what it really isn't. I have no intention of making excuses for myself but I think you and I deserve to know this truth.

I know it isn't fair for you to keep being my friend just because I love you, needed you and want you to remain in my memories. It can't be all about me. I admit I have nothing that I have given or can give to you. Nothing very special. Unlike you. You gave me a perfect companionship, warm smiles and comforting words. You are very special to me. Maybe that is why I still cry.

The first few months were very hard. I thought I can forget you, this, and everything that has happened between us by seeding anger and blocking my sadness and thinking of every reason why I should (need to) hate you. Hopefully, I can feel less pain. Less disoriented.

But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I never heal. I never think less of you. In fact, you're still coming back again and again and again in my dream until now. Sometimes I dreamt of you and I. We were good friends again. It felt so good and so real and I was so sure it was happening. Then I opened my eyes. Nothing has changed. You're still the missed new stranger.

All sorts of questions began to emerge. Maybe I just don't deserve to have a really good companion. Maybe I'm too bad for someone too good. Can I trust someone my heart? Can I make sure my heart won't be broken again? Should I stop caring and sharing my love to anyone? 

Then I tried to accept that some things happen just because it needed to happen. And just because my heart was in a lot of pain, it doesn't have to say that way and I guess. Knowing you, I know you're concerned about me. Rest assured I am doing my very best right now. I stop shutting people off. I accept old and new friends. Again. I am not bitter anymore.

I learn to forgive myself. I know I am not to be blamed entirely. But I acknowledge my mistake which has led to this situation.

The hardest part of all is trying to recollect each memory in Sheffield without feeling remorse that the good 2 years when we were best friends has ended. Trying to look at my photos without my thumb covering your face. And trying not to deny you were there all the time.

Lastly, I hope you can forgive me. I pray you'll meet a better person than me you honestly deserve the best for who you are.

They say broken romantic relationship gets all the love and flowers and comfort from those around you. And broken friendship often goes unnoticed, trivial, felt a lot less important. I don't know if that's true, because I didn't tell anyone what has happened, but a little google search for surviving broken friendship confirms this theory.   

>> I have read that I should write a letter to her although not necessarily post/send it to her. I agree that it feels good doing this. But I'm not sure if it's helping or not. 


You're too good at goodbyes

Everytime... Every single time I listen to this song I can only relate ever so much. I still cry. 

It doesn't feel good. But I still play this song again and again and imagining at the back of my mind you are singing this song to me. 

It's our perfect friendship break up song. Isn't it? 

I still love you and wish we could be like how we used to be.

I guess this friendship never make it to Jannah 



You must think that I’m stupid You must think that I’m a fool You must think that I’m new to this But I have seen this all before I’m never going to let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up it hurts So I’m never going to get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) No way that you’ll see me cry (No way that you’ll see me cry) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) I know you’re thinking I’m heartless I know you’re thinking I’m cold I’m just protecting my innocence I’m just protecting my soul I’m never going to let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me ‘Cause every time I open up it hurts So I’m never going to get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) No way that you’ll see me cry (No way that you’ll see me cry) I’m way too good at goodbyes (I’m way too good at goodbyes) No... (I’m way too good at goodbyes) (I’m way too good at goodbyes) (No way that you’ll see me cry) Oh... (I’m way too good at goodbyes) ‘Cause every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true I’m way too good at goodbyes

Saturday, 30 September 2017

I got my Final Year Project title and it is so cool!

FYP title : The host inflammatory reaction to the cochlear stem cell transplant

Sounds sick right? I knowwwwwwwwwwww.....

To be honest I was not quite thrilled the first time I read the title. I actually not so fond of ears and hearing although Proffesor Howley is a great lecturer who teach us that subject. I don't know probably because there are some elements of physics when you learn about ear and hearing. Well actually physics has a lot to do in cells and stuffs but just that when we learn about the ear, the physics side of it is much emphasized. Geddit?

I have started reading some research journals and articles and I find it not too bad at all. And the more I read about it the more I fell in love with ear and hearing. 

Last night I was studying the anatomy and physiology of the ear and subhanallah it was mind-blowing! The whole explanation of the mechanism of hearing seems so simple. The pinna collects sound waves and the sound waves then travel through the ear canal and eventually hit the eardrum (tympanic membrane). 

Sounds so simple right?

Wrong!

I am yet to fathom how our amazing anatomy of the ear and it's mechanism of hearing could give us the ability to distinguish millions of different type of sounds. And how we can "ignore" background noises when we talk to someone or focusing on a different audio like when you are listening to a podcast. 

The creaking wooden floor as I'm walking on it, the whistling of the wind, the steaming broth in a saucepan, the plucking of guitars and violins and the gushing of tap water down the sink. 

It is a wonderful world of tunes.

And to think that we are able to recognise those different sounds by mean of our small ear is just so amazing. And I thought, how can this happen "instantaneously" or just by chance?

It is a grand design. A meticulous one. Perfect for it's function. How can we ever devised something like thus without prior inspiration from existing creation?

It is a very  humbling thought and I hope this project will go well and possibly remind me to always be humble.

Till the next rant,

Nadhirah

Thursday, 28 September 2017

Friendship hurts too

I still remember Mom said don't be too close to someone. To anyone.

There was a friend of mine. A friend so close I wouldn't trade her for anyone else. We've shared a lot of things even though we were so different. We are so different. 

She is very graceful and gentle. I could never be like that.

When we've said our goodbyes it ripped my soul apart. 

I could barely stand a thought of you without bursting into tears. Or anger. 

Sometimes I questioned how did this go so wrong. I will never know. I still love her. I know I still do. 

Dear friend if only you know how you slipped into my dream every so often. Sharing the warmth of summer and the comfort of laughter. 

It is bizarre that my tears still run hot down my face as I am writing this though it has been a couple of months now. 

I have cried too much and little did I know a friendship can be the source of my agony. 

It was long gone the time when I would touch someone's soul to share our pain and joy. For I fear this broken heart won't survive another storm. 

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

I left social media and do I regret it?

Hiya!

So it's been a month and 8 days since I quit social media. 

What do you mean QUIT?!

You asked? So when I say quit, I literally mean I quit. I left Facebook, Instagram, twitter and snapchat. I permenantly deleted my main accounts on these platforms. 


To be truly honest with you, so far I have not really felt anything about it. It has just been a quiet month for me. And a month of social-media-voidness in my life is too short of a period of time to actually comment on it.

I am a social media addict hands down. My biggest problem was Facebook. I literally couldn't stop scrolling down. I could lie down on my bed or on the sofa and start scrolling for hours and hours non-stop! It just never ends. My addiction was as bad that if I open my web browser on my computer or on my mobile the first thing I would do would be to press "F" and hit enter. Bam! Facebook will officially be the first thing I would go to even though I needed to do something else. That's how bad my addiction was. 

But that is not the only reason why. I feel that Facebook had become so impulsive for me. Everything I saw on Facebook was like "The News" for me that needed my attention. Every comment made was so wrong that they always trigger me to hit reply to that nonsensical, rude and blasphemous remarks. I become so overwhelmed with emotions every passing day. 

This is too sad, that is too outrageous. Why do people do this? Why can't they understand?


When I look back and really contemplate on how I utilise my time, I couldn't lie to myself that I have engaged in so many superficial things especially social media. It adds NOTHING to my life. Well probably frankly ever SO LITTLE! I wanted to do online courses where I actually learn something. I wanted to add value and transferable skills. I want to read more books. And I want to start blogging again. I want  to do A LOT of things and I could not afford to waste it on social media.

I woke up one morning realising that I needed to quit now. Whatever the consequences I will have to embrace it. I went to youtube and listened to Cal Newport's lecture at TEDx talks, Quit Social Media. He is the famous writer who coined the term "DEEP WORK" and whom later became one of my favourite authors! I even bought a copy of his book Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World and later bought the accompanying audible version of the book. ps Let me know if you want a review on the book :p

I thought to myself, whatever this guy is saying is so true! It was so mind-blowing to me. I have listened to a few others YouTubers who shared their experience of quitting social media. Cal's insights made the most sense to me. I contemplated for a while and decided to just... Do it. 

I went to https://www.facebook.com/help/delete_account to permanently delete my account. I clicked the "delete my account" button and thought, THAT'S IT, I'VE DONE IT!! I was about to celebrate my new accomplishment but there was a glitch. Facebook gave me 14 days before it was permanently deleted. 

14 DAYS? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH WILL POWER TO LAST ME A FORTNIGHT!!!!!

I thought that was it. I could have never lasted 14 days without logging into my facebook back. Looking at my past records of million attempts on deactivating Facebook only to log back in again, I really doubt myself. But I eventually did it. 

Do I regret it?

Not really. In fact, I think I would like to keep it this way as long as possible. Don't get me wrong, I do intend to go back to social media BUT when I do, I really wanted to do it deliberately, not impulsively.
It takes a while to social-media-detox your mind. Even though I was not engaged in social media anymore, I tend to slip into the world of gaming. Whenever I feel extremely bored, and being an ENFP  I will become bored 1000 times faster than the rest of the humankind, I will go to the app store and install some games.

I still had not become as productive as I would like to be but, baby step at a time. At least there were no games that I have not uninstalled within a week.

I still need to read more book, rather than watching movies or dramas.

I still need to finish a hundred courses I have signed up for but never finish any of them.

I still need to review my course contents.

In a nutshell, I am still very far from my target but right now, I am happy to know that I can gain enough will power if I work towards it and persevere.

That is all of my rant tonight. Till next time,

Adios <3




Monday, 24 April 2017

Numb

Bismillairrahmanirrahim...

What a day...

I am too overwhelmed by emotions. I feel sad,

I feel Happy,

Hopeless,

Grateful,

Relieved,

Hopeful.

There are too many emotions that I become physically exhausted. Emotionally drained.

I felt numb.

It's weird. I felt sad. But I couldn't cry.

I feel empty.

It is as if I am breathing but I am not alive. My heart is beating but my system completely shut down.

Funny how the things that I really want could bring so much pain in my heart. But it's funnier how I actually do not want something that my heart really, really want.

It doesn't really make sense does it.

A constant battle within you. Deep within your heart.

I am glad everything happened this way. I wouldn't want it to happen any other way. I know it's better for me to feel this pain now.

And I am so glad that there is only one person that gets hurt.

Me.

Wallahi if this doesn't happen this way, a lot more people would've been hurt. And scarred.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah. This is what I want.

This is what I really want.

Even though my heart is in immense pain, this is still what I want.

Oh Allah, I left the matter to you and I have an absolute faith in You. That you will only destine the best for me, my deen, my dunya and my akhirah.

I seek you to heal my pain.

I seek you to mend my broken heart.

For I live in this world just for You and You alone.

It doesn't matter to me what my heart want. It's about what You want for me and from me.

Oh Allah, give me permission to be in sorrow today. Allow me to feel this sadness. And cry.

But please lift me up tomorrow. Heal me. Care for me. And love me.

Be pleased with me.

I only want You.

Saturday, 10 December 2016

Dear readers,

Assalamualaikum dear readers.

I don't know why but currently I am having butterflies flying around my stomach.

I am currently in a very strange situation. Too much emotions, feelings and thoughts. I felt a little overwhelmed by everything that is going on in my mind and my heart. I  don't know how this very small heart could contain so much.

Have you ever felt like you are the most worthless person on earth? You felt so terrible about yourself. Like you've wronged so many people and hurt so many hearts? I am feeling that now. It is too much to bear for a sinner like me.

I wish I could be a little better. A little wiser.

Dear readers,

How is it possible to feel so much pain when there is no physical wound?

Or is it really pain?

Is it not a longing for something?

Something pure. Soothing. Calming. Assuring.

Am I actually longing for God?

Yes yes. I think I am.

Dear readers,

I am desperately longing for reassurance.

I need to know whether I am doing the right thing in life. I need to know I am doing the right thing, the right way. I need to know I am doing good.

If I am not then I need to know which is the right thing to do, and what is the right may to do it.

Dear readers,

Sometimes when I reflect upon my life and my journey, I began to question my purpose of being in this world.

Who am I? Who was I? What will I be?

I want to make changes. Will I be a scientist who will change people's life? Will I be a teacher who will change people's mind?

But all those are questions of the future. I want to to question my presence at present.

Being a very busy lady, a biomedical science student, a committee of USIC, a member of various other organisations. I felt like I am continuing to feel a little less of me.

If this is a current pursue of understanding myself to understand my Creator,

I don't feel like I know myself anymore.

I don't feel like I know why I am doing whatever I am doing now.


Can I,

For once,

just.be.me