Thirty Flirty and Thriving

 It has been about one and a half months since I turned 30. Wow I could not imagine turning 30 ever before lol. I think a lot of young people especially unmarried girls are sooo afraid of this number. 

I think what people were afraid of about getting older is losing their youth. Being young comes with a lot of privilege. You are healthy, high metabolism, beautiful skin and figure, zest for life, innocent optimism of life in general. 

As you get older, reality hit hard. And in my opinion, the hardest part about growing older is the responsibility that we need to shoulder. As time goes by we acquire more and more responsibility.

Suddenly there are bills to pay. 

Mortgages and car loans. 

Children needs.

Caring for parents of old age. 

Supporting your loved ones. 

Maintaining your own physical and emotional wellbeing. 

Let's be honest. Trying to perfecting every aspect of our lives is exhausting. And futile. You will never be perfect in everything. Your life is meant to be messy sometimes. 

So how can we manage?

I personally believe that it's the effort and intention that counts. As long as you put effort and renew intention to do good everyday. Life gets a little bit easier. Or at least, you will get a sense of fulfilment. 

Now that I looked back in my life, how did I end up with so many things on hand. There seems to be not enough time to take care of everything. Work, business, family, personal relationship and my relationship with God. 

What about romantic relationship?

I have heard about a lecture by Sh. Omar Suleiman that "Romance is Rizq (provision)". And just like any other type of Rizq, not everyone is blessed with one. I have to say, it used to bother me so much that I am not in a relationship. A couple of years back I don't even want to get married. I just want to have a lover that I can spend some times talking and exchanging loving words and gifts. There is a part of me that wants to be loved by the opposite gender. 

Now, I am much more relaxed about it. Seriously nothing good will come out in desperation or stress. I thought, time is running out. My 20-s is ending and I need to do everything I can to secure a relationship. Yes, it was like a competition that I need to win. A race that I need to lead. A trophy that I can put on my shelves. Only then I can say "Yay! I made it!"

Alas, it is not for me to decide. And Allah must have a better plan for me. 

I have to say though, this wasn't easy. There are times that I feel deep sadness and crippling loneliness. When most of your friends are married, with kids and husband. You can feel like you are behind everything and you are missing out so much in life. 

For me particularly, I want to have children. And I wish to get children early as possible to that I am not too old when they're in university. I want to be healthy and witness a lot of their milestone in life. I want to nurture my own children to be amazing people. Only, we have no power over anything. I might do my absolute best and the children still didn't turn out as good people.

I try not to lose hope and faith in Allah's plan. I still make du'a that Allah will grant me a good, loving husband. However, if really there is no one written for me in this Dunya. I pray that Allah make me strong and still live a life full of love and care by the people around me. 

One thing that I realise upon turning 30 is, the quality that I seek for in a man is very different than a couple of years back. And I also realise not many have the quality that I seek for. 

I guess, when I was younger, I can tolerate more. Now, I feel like the capacity for me to accommodate to nonsense is getting smaller and smaller. I certainly don't think that I am "the prize". I just want somebody that can see eye to eye. That can hold the space to nurture growth, respect and love. Someone who is just as dedicated to being a good and responsible person. Someone that I can trust my heart and soul with. Someone to share the joy and love in this life whilst also striving for our eternal abode. 

I did teared up a little whilst writing this. I guess there is still a part of me that longs for companionship with the right man. And there is a part of me that longs for being taken care of , being soft and feminine. 

I will end by saying that despite everything, I am still hopeful and optimist that Allah will send someone my way. Someone that is already is his pursuit of his life meaning. I don't want to fall in love. I feel like it denotes a mistakes, an unintentional action, something that we are not in control. On the contrary, I want to orbit in love. A whole person, with another whole person. Making an amazing pact and partnership to lead an even more awesome life. Orbiting in love together. 

Allahumma ameen ya rabbal 'alameen.