Ramadan Reflection | One week into Ramadhan 1446H

It's been 8 days since we started fasting in Ramadhan. Each Ramadan that I have been will have a unique theme. I thought this Ramadhan would be the same as the rest of the year since I didn't prepare much. But ma sha Allah, who would've thought this Ramadhan I am working on FORGIVENESS.

Right before Ramadhan started, I was listening to Sh Hamza Yusuf lecture on Purification of the Heart. One thing that struck me the most was the topic on FORGIVENESS.

He went on to share the story of one of the Sahabahs. As Rasulullah saw. was sitting among his companions, He mentioned "A man of paradise is coming". To which one of them, Abdullah bin Amr ul Aas felt very compelled to know about this person more. To his surprise, the man of paradise did not do any additional prayers at night nor was he fasting voluntarily.

Abdullah bin Amr ul Aas later learned from the sahabah that before he went to sleep, he made sure that he FORGIVES every Muslim and made sure there was no hatred or jealousy in his heart.

I reflected on this deeply. And I acknowledge that deep in my heart, I still hold some resentment and anger towards some people.

Inspired by the story of this Sahabah, I decided to work on FROGIVENESS.

I mean, it's a win-win for me. Forgiving others will definitely bring so much peace in my heart in this world, and on top of that, you'll earn the blessings of Allah.

Only, it is not as easy as it seems. Yes, I might declare verbally or in my heart that "I forgive so and so". But later on when things happened or when I was reminded of some injustice I had faced, my heart filled with anger again. To which I then need to comfort my heart and say " I forgive so and so".

The plan is for now to renew forgiveness whenever I feel some anger or resentment creeping in again, even the tiniest bit. Hopefully, one day, my heart will be ikhlas. And there's nothing wrong with practicing an "outside-in" approach whilst waiting for real sincerity to take place in my heart. It's always a work in progress.

Also, what I am thinking I can start doing is to list down all the goodness that came from these people. Sometimes, they are a source of great blessings in our lives directly. But due to our hurt, he failed to notice the gift that they are. The blessings that they bring upon our life. For others, some of them might not directly bring any value to our lives, but they taught us lessons that we will never learn otherwise.

Now, I get that it takes a lot for someone to completely cleanse his/her heart from any hatred, anger, resentment and jealousy from others. You will need to look beyond your own hurt. Have trust in Allah that He will never look past your effort to strive for His pleasure. Even when no one knows, Allah is always there to acknowledge how hard you're trying to be a better person each day.

May Allah make it easy for us to navigate the trials and tribulations of this life.

I am always guided and protected.

Ameen.

Thirty Flirty and Thriving

 It has been about one and a half months since I turned 30. Wow I could not imagine turning 30 ever before lol. I think a lot of young people especially unmarried girls are sooo afraid of this number. 

I think what people were afraid of about getting older is losing their youth. Being young comes with a lot of privilege. You are healthy, high metabolism, beautiful skin and figure, zest for life, innocent optimism of life in general. 

As you get older, reality hit hard. And in my opinion, the hardest part about growing older is the responsibility that we need to shoulder. As time goes by we acquire more and more responsibility.

Suddenly there are bills to pay. 

Mortgages and car loans. 

Children needs.

Caring for parents of old age. 

Supporting your loved ones. 

Maintaining your own physical and emotional wellbeing. 

Let's be honest. Trying to perfecting every aspect of our lives is exhausting. And futile. You will never be perfect in everything. Your life is meant to be messy sometimes. 

So how can we manage?

I personally believe that it's the effort and intention that counts. As long as you put effort and renew intention to do good everyday. Life gets a little bit easier. Or at least, you will get a sense of fulfilment. 

Now that I looked back in my life, how did I end up with so many things on hand. There seems to be not enough time to take care of everything. Work, business, family, personal relationship and my relationship with God. 

What about romantic relationship?

I have heard about a lecture by Sh. Omar Suleiman that "Romance is Rizq (provision)". And just like any other type of Rizq, not everyone is blessed with one. I have to say, it used to bother me so much that I am not in a relationship. A couple of years back I don't even want to get married. I just want to have a lover that I can spend some times talking and exchanging loving words and gifts. There is a part of me that wants to be loved by the opposite gender. 

Now, I am much more relaxed about it. Seriously nothing good will come out in desperation or stress. I thought, time is running out. My 20-s is ending and I need to do everything I can to secure a relationship. Yes, it was like a competition that I need to win. A race that I need to lead. A trophy that I can put on my shelves. Only then I can say "Yay! I made it!"

Alas, it is not for me to decide. And Allah must have a better plan for me. 

I have to say though, this wasn't easy. There are times that I feel deep sadness and crippling loneliness. When most of your friends are married, with kids and husband. You can feel like you are behind everything and you are missing out so much in life. 

For me particularly, I want to have children. And I wish to get children early as possible to that I am not too old when they're in university. I want to be healthy and witness a lot of their milestone in life. I want to nurture my own children to be amazing people. Only, we have no power over anything. I might do my absolute best and the children still didn't turn out as good people.

I try not to lose hope and faith in Allah's plan. I still make du'a that Allah will grant me a good, loving husband. However, if really there is no one written for me in this Dunya. I pray that Allah make me strong and still live a life full of love and care by the people around me. 

One thing that I realise upon turning 30 is, the quality that I seek for in a man is very different than a couple of years back. And I also realise not many have the quality that I seek for. 

I guess, when I was younger, I can tolerate more. Now, I feel like the capacity for me to accommodate to nonsense is getting smaller and smaller. I certainly don't think that I am "the prize". I just want somebody that can see eye to eye. That can hold the space to nurture growth, respect and love. Someone who is just as dedicated to being a good and responsible person. Someone that I can trust my heart and soul with. Someone to share the joy and love in this life whilst also striving for our eternal abode. 

I did teared up a little whilst writing this. I guess there is still a part of me that longs for companionship with the right man. And there is a part of me that longs for being taken care of , being soft and feminine. 

I will end by saying that despite everything, I am still hopeful and optimist that Allah will send someone my way. Someone that is already is his pursuit of his life meaning. I don't want to fall in love. I feel like it denotes a mistakes, an unintentional action, something that we are not in control. On the contrary, I want to orbit in love. A whole person, with another whole person. Making an amazing pact and partnership to lead an even more awesome life. Orbiting in love together. 

Allahumma ameen ya rabbal 'alameen. 

INSATIABLE

Have you ever felt like you have an endless hunger for something?

For me, currently I feel like I am experiencing hunger for food that, for the love of God, I can't curb if I want to. 

It started when I took on the challenge to set up iLuvQuran Cyberjaya. I was so pumped and excited and seeing a lot of possibilities for the center. I am already imagining myself being a lady boss. Having good income. Expanding to other regions. 

Boy oh boy. How naive I was. And how mistaken. 

Being a business owner, entrepreneur or a boss, whatever you call it. It sounded all glamorous. But the reality is, you're really doing all the least glamorous things. Sweeping the floor. Carrying tens of chairs to the second floor. Learn to drill and build the IKEA furnitures like a true DIY experts. 

The stress was very intense. 

I need to be agile, adaptable and resourceful. 

I need to be able to maximise my time doing productive things. 

And unfortunately I would have to occasionally sacrifice rest, family events and personal care. Because I don't have the luxury of time to do everything in my limited time, and I dont have the luxury of money to leverage on others (ie, hiring more people for work). 

Due to extreme stress and intensity of work that I needed to do. I choose to get a quick fix to my emotional distess. FOOD. 

Yes food. If you know me, you know I love food. Food brought so much joy and comfort for me. And at that time it feels like food is the only thing that kept me going. 

So it's been 2 months now and there has been at least 10 failed attempts to restart my diet journey. 

The longest I managed to stay in the diet of no sugar is 2 days max. LOL. So pathetic. I KNOW!

I have always hated restricting myself. And going no sugar felt like I am restricting myself of the fun and joy of life. 

Where else have I felt this way in my life?

Shopping.

I love shopping and it brings me joy. And restricting myself of shopping for some "finer" items makes me feel sad. I WANT SHINY THINGS! LOL XD. 

Now that I think about it, I am reminded of a lecture on Purification of the Heart by Sh. Hamza Yusuf. Specifically on At-Tama' (Greed) and Hubbun Dunya (Love of the world).

These are impurities in my heart that needs cleansing. To cleanse oneself from greediness and excessive love of the material world. Which sadly a lot of us including me are struggling with. 

When I feel deep in my heart, there is indeed an unquenchable thirst for food, wealth and fame. I wanted to eat a lot of good foods. I want to acquire the most amount of money and working in the highest paying job. 

And don't get me wrong. None of these are "bad" or "Wrong" but if I only think about this just for the sake of indulging myself in worldly pleasure, I mean there would be no end to it. 

I gotta refresh my intention and really look beyond superficial gains. 

When I indulge myself in food, I starve myself of spiritual nourishment. I got lazy. I eat my feelings away. I make food as a coping mechanism rather than a form of nourishment for the body. 

When my body is having excess weight, what are the baggages that I am carrying and dragging along. That I had trouble to let go. Is it anger, resentment or sadness?

What is the payoff of being overweight? 

Excess fat or weight is usually created out of insecurities and the feeling of needing protection. What am I protecting myself from? Who am I keeping away from me?

Maybe, I am to stuck up on being in control. There is lack of trust of Allah to take care of my affairs. After all, I am always guided and protected. 

Moving on, I wanted to really SURRENDER. 

Surrender my life to Allah. And let His divine plan unfolds. 

I can only pray that Allah make it easy for me to be among His beloved servants. Make it easy for me to pass through the tests of this Dunya. Make it easy for me to feel at ease and at peace.

Reminiscing my younger days.

 Wow. I cannot believe that it was literally 4 years since I have last written anything on this blog. It doesn't feel that long ago. I had a glimpse of my blog and I was instantly reminded of my younger days. 

However one thing that strikes me the most was how intuitive and deep I was. 

These days, I speak a lot of jargon. And a lot of it were words, sentences and quotes that I got from my coaches, the programs that I've attended or the new circle that I have now. 

But ma sha Allah looking back, I was surprised at how self-aware I was even before going through these "transformative" experiences. 

Which makes me feel like I should start writing on my blog. I realised that I get to be raw, vulnerable and authentic because there's not many people reading it and thus there is less pressure to be likeable or to appease the audience. 

Because let's be honest, blog is dead. I think. 

But something about the low visibility of blog , really caught my attention now. 

I feel like I get to be myself more. I dont have to think about how other's might feel about my writing. 

Instead of writing it down in my diary, perhaps I can use this platform to share the more raw and vulnerable side of me.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

All of it. 

I am excited to write my next entries!!

 And perhaps I will write several entries tonight inn sha Allah. K.I.S.S - Keep It Simple and Stupid. That's the plan for now. 

Avoidance coping

 When someone is being hurtful to you, they are the one actually experiencing some kind of hurt.

 So whatever they say is a reflection of what is going on inside of them. It has NOTHING to do with you.

You need to learn to dissociate from that person, knowing that what they say isn't YOUR reality, but theirs.

I for one take things personally and too deeply. I feel like people know the exact thing to do to hurt me.

But now I'm learning to be complete with those hurtful comments and smirks and doubts. Knowing that what they say isn't MY reality.

I am solely responsible for my own feeling. I can only change myself and how I react to those around me. I shall no longer wish people behave differently because that is just wishful thinking.

Today, I learned that I tend to resolve to "avoidance coping" mechanism. And just shut down completely sometimes.

So  the challenge I want to overcome today is to stop withdrawing myself from uncomfortable situation.

Nadhirah

I am perfect just the way I am and I accept my flaws as the beauty of life.

#bringitown

#healingjourney

She walked away in silence

And there she was
Sat on the stone by the lakeside
Her mind wandered through the depth of the sky
Lost in thoughts
Counting every memory that came flashing by

She opened up her chest
Letting herself to feel vulnerable
And pain
That kissed every fibre of her being

She closed her eyes
Took a deep breath and hold it for a little while
Feeling the air that encompassed her lungs
And let it out with a heavy sighs

Of questions that are yet to be answered

Of meanings that are yet to be defined

Of  walks and paths that crossed and halted

She walked away in silence

New job, new phase of life ^^

Its almost 2 months now since I started working. Alhamdulillah it is better than I expected. It is challenging but I always say the challenges are like a barrier that you have to go over. NOT a stopping wall.

To be honest, I love my job.

But,

Strange.

It is bizarre that other people have so much opinion in my life decision. I have many occasion whereby others told me.. or usually IMPLY that ooohhh. its better than not having a job at all.

Excuse me.

I freaking love my job.

Obviously, I didn't say it to their face (like they did to me?!) XD

But I learn to ignore things. I mean, you can never expect people to stahp talking right?

I am trying not to feel so personally attacked by all these remarks. It won't get me anywhere.

Please, I am just beginning to transitioning into a new phase of life. I still have so many questions. About my future, about the world, and even about myself.

I am still trying to figure out what kind of person I am.

I am still trying to love myself because if I don't, nobody will.

I am still trying not to beat myself up every single time I messed up.

The world need to spread more love, happiness and positivity.

Until next time, keep me in your prayers.