INSATIABLE

Have you ever felt like you have an endless hunger for something?

For me, currently I feel like I am experiencing hunger for food that, for the love of God, I can't curb if I want to. 

It started when I took on the challenge to set up iLuvQuran Cyberjaya. I was so pumped and excited and seeing a lot of possibilities for the center. I am already imagining myself being a lady boss. Having good income. Expanding to other regions. 

Boy oh boy. How naive I was. And how mistaken. 

Being a business owner, entrepreneur or a boss, whatever you call it. It sounded all glamorous. But the reality is, you're really doing all the least glamorous things. Sweeping the floor. Carrying tens of chairs to the second floor. Learn to drill and build the IKEA furnitures like a true DIY experts. 

The stress was very intense. 

I need to be agile, adaptable and resourceful. 

I need to be able to maximise my time doing productive things. 

And unfortunately I would have to occasionally sacrifice rest, family events and personal care. Because I don't have the luxury of time to do everything in my limited time, and I dont have the luxury of money to leverage on others (ie, hiring more people for work). 

Due to extreme stress and intensity of work that I needed to do. I choose to get a quick fix to my emotional distess. FOOD. 

Yes food. If you know me, you know I love food. Food brought so much joy and comfort for me. And at that time it feels like food is the only thing that kept me going. 

So it's been 2 months now and there has been at least 10 failed attempts to restart my diet journey. 

The longest I managed to stay in the diet of no sugar is 2 days max. LOL. So pathetic. I KNOW!

I have always hated restricting myself. And going no sugar felt like I am restricting myself of the fun and joy of life. 

Where else have I felt this way in my life?

Shopping.

I love shopping and it brings me joy. And restricting myself of shopping for some "finer" items makes me feel sad. I WANT SHINY THINGS! LOL XD. 

Now that I think about it, I am reminded of a lecture on Purification of the Heart by Sh. Hamza Yusuf. Specifically on At-Tama' (Greed) and Hubbun Dunya (Love of the world).

These are impurities in my heart that needs cleansing. To cleanse oneself from greediness and excessive love of the material world. Which sadly a lot of us including me are struggling with. 

When I feel deep in my heart, there is indeed an unquenchable thirst for food, wealth and fame. I wanted to eat a lot of good foods. I want to acquire the most amount of money and working in the highest paying job. 

And don't get me wrong. None of these are "bad" or "Wrong" but if I only think about this just for the sake of indulging myself in worldly pleasure, I mean there would be no end to it. 

I gotta refresh my intention and really look beyond superficial gains. 

When I indulge myself in food, I starve myself of spiritual nourishment. I got lazy. I eat my feelings away. I make food as a coping mechanism rather than a form of nourishment for the body. 

When my body is having excess weight, what are the baggages that I am carrying and dragging along. That I had trouble to let go. Is it anger, resentment or sadness?

What is the payoff of being overweight? 

Excess fat or weight is usually created out of insecurities and the feeling of needing protection. What am I protecting myself from? Who am I keeping away from me?

Maybe, I am to stuck up on being in control. There is lack of trust of Allah to take care of my affairs. After all, I am always guided and protected. 

Moving on, I wanted to really SURRENDER. 

Surrender my life to Allah. And let His divine plan unfolds. 

I can only pray that Allah make it easy for me to be among His beloved servants. Make it easy for me to pass through the tests of this Dunya. Make it easy for me to feel at ease and at peace.