Numb

Bismillairrahmanirrahim...

What a day...

I am too overwhelmed by emotions. I feel sad,

I feel Happy,

Hopeless,

Grateful,

Relieved,

Hopeful.

There are too many emotions that I become physically exhausted. Emotionally drained.

I felt numb.

It's weird. I felt sad. But I couldn't cry.

I feel empty.

It is as if I am breathing but I am not alive. My heart is beating but my system completely shut down.

Funny how the things that I really want could bring so much pain in my heart. But it's funnier how I actually do not want something that my heart really, really want.

It doesn't really make sense does it.

A constant battle within you. Deep within your heart.

I am glad everything happened this way. I wouldn't want it to happen any other way. I know it's better for me to feel this pain now.

And I am so glad that there is only one person that gets hurt.

Me.

Wallahi if this doesn't happen this way, a lot more people would've been hurt. And scarred.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah. This is what I want.

This is what I really want.

Even though my heart is in immense pain, this is still what I want.

Oh Allah, I left the matter to you and I have an absolute faith in You. That you will only destine the best for me, my deen, my dunya and my akhirah.

I seek you to heal my pain.

I seek you to mend my broken heart.

For I live in this world just for You and You alone.

It doesn't matter to me what my heart want. It's about what You want for me and from me.

Oh Allah, give me permission to be in sorrow today. Allow me to feel this sadness. And cry.

But please lift me up tomorrow. Heal me. Care for me. And love me.

Be pleased with me.

I only want You.