Saturday, 13 July 2013

A note to myself


So remain on a right course as you have been commanded, [you] and those who have turned back with you [to Allah ], and do not transgress. Indeed, He is Seeing of what you do. (Hud : 112)

To change ( HIJRAH ) is hard. But to remain on a right course as you have been commanded ( ISTIQAMAH ) is harder

It happen to me. As i am pacing my life after SPM and boarding-school phase. Taking one step at a time. Sometimes I became stagnant. And it's hard for me to move on after moments of enforced idleness.

These thoughts asphyxiate me

I can barely lift my soul. It had become as barren as the scorched sand of Sahara's

Now I have to endure the struggle within myself to get back and pursue my journey as Allah's slave ; Muslim . A practicing Muslimah. Only Allah knows whats there at the bottom of my heart. What I wish I could have done.

He knows what is within the heavens and earth and knows what you conceal and what you declare. And Allah is Knowing of that within the chest. ( 64:4 )

My knees weakened and my hands trembled as I evoke every seconds that went the way that is not favourable by my Creator. I regretted every single sins i've comitted.

 I play too hard and i laugh too loud. Lagha ( ill speeches ) and neglect the remembrance of Allah

I failed to live my life the way my Creator favour. When I know He does not need my worships nor my infaq. But He pleases the good deeds for His creation so that they could taste the Jannah and barred from His atrocious hell.

My previous experience after leaving schoool made me wonder. Why is it so hard for me to keep istiqamah outside SEPINTAR. To practice morning and evening Al-Mathurat , Al-mulk , zikr have been so hard to do. And there are times when i could not feel anything upon reading Al-Quran. I guess it must be because I merely 'read' and not 'tadabbur' (think and reflect the meaning conveyed by the verses ) the Al-Quran. Ya Allah forgive me

I could easily lose my temper too. I became what i used to be before. All the hard work I've put into to rectify my heart during my time at SEPINTAR just went away. No.

I dispelled them the moment I decide to remain 'futur'.
I dispelled them the moment I just give up my mujahadah.

And i have to admit now that from now on it is up to me to shape who I am. I will no longer be in an instant, readily made bi'ah solehah. Maybe He wanted me to realise that what I've gone through back there in SEPINTAR is just a glimpse of what are the do's and dont's for someone to live the way that pleases Him. And there are more and more knowledge for me to look after and justify every single action I'll take.

It is not that easy to reveal your weakness. And I wish by these words, I should know that I am just an ordinary muslimah. I'm not qualified to judge anyone else. Most certainly never holier-than-thou.

Allahumma, show me the light to the right path
Allahumma, guide me to reach your jannah
Allahumma, forgive every sins I've comitted
Allahumma, make this Ramadan , a better ramadan than the previous ones.
Allahumma make me among those who hold firm to Your rope and istiqamah
Allahumma amiin

4 ramadan 1434
0711 Malaysia

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